We're All in the Dance

by Feist from the Paris, Je t'aime soundtrack

Hello again from yet another break. I am write now while sipping on an Oregon Chai at Coffee Society back in my old stomping grounds in Campbell. And that can only mean, it is time for a super duper long entry. So I suggest grabbing a cup of coffee like the one I have and be prepared to indulge in some heavy reading.

First and foremost, I'm an uncle! Yup, my nephew, Owen, was born three weeks ago. Child, mother and father are doing fine - although a bit sleep deprived. As much as I have said about how much I dislike children, I do have to say having a nephew is really awesome. I got to hold him the day he was born and then I saw him yesterday. He was so comfortable in my arms that he decided it was the perfect time to poop. I am like 20 times his size but boy that kid can unleash a stink like you wouldn't believe. Anyway it is a rather momentous occasion for many reasons. One of them being is that while I was holding Owen, I came to one of those stunning mortality realizations. Meaning that Owen will undoubtedly out-live me. Now I have met plenty of kids but it never dawned on me that someone will long outlive me by decades. It's kind of scary. And in way kind of puts life in perspective. And in another way kind of motivating.

In less great news, my lady and I broke up. We were going on 6 months and while I thought we were good together, the lady had other ideas. Essentially, she felt I wasn't a very long term person in her mind and she didn't want to spend any more time on anything she didn't think was going to last. In one way I understand. Don't want to waste time putzing around with a stop-gap. But it sucks when you are the one that is the stop-gap. So yeah I am single again. So I am taking a time out with the dating thing until the new year. It frees up time for me to do....ummmm whatever I am supposed to be doing.

In much better news, the Giants won the World Series!!!! As a long suffering fan, I was overjoyed. I watched every single minute of that World Series. The only downside was that I was in New York when it happened. I would have liked to be in the bay area and been able to attend the victory parade. In many years as a Giants fan, I watched probably thousands of hours of games on TV. Every new prospect, free-agent signing, or player improvement was some glimmer of hope. But this year (tops-turvy as it was for the team) they finally did it. Some of my friends don't know how I can stand watching baseball games because they find them super boring. Well, winning the World Series is the reason why. To say you were there, cheering even when they were sucking makes the winning so much better. I have been a Giants fan for 24 years. In contrast, my father decided after 13 years that I wasn't worth keeping up on. This World Series is a reward for commitment. Something that few people have much appreciation for anymore.

I recently got back from a trip to DC/New York. I went to DC to attend the Rally for Sanity and to hang out with Vishnu. The rally was fun, although very crowded and hard to hear. Hanging out with Vishnu was fun and like similar times, we started talking about life (this occurred mostly while drinking). One thing we talked about (and I have talked about before on this blog), is life's journey. Mainly, how the bad times can inform and sometimes set-up the good. Like when I first graduated from college, making 31 grand, living in a room in a garage, and hoping to get a full-time job so I could get benefits. Looking back it was tough time and I was resentful at life for giving me a harder time than, what I incorrectly thought, was everyone else I knew. But living like that made me seriously going to grad school. Which led me to Michigan, which then led to Google, and then led me to where I am today. Thinking back, I am glad I didn't get that full-time job at that point because I wouldn't have been pushed to go to grad school when I did. If I had waited even 1 or 2 years to go, I don't think I would have landed where I am today. So it did work out for the better, although at the time I didn't realize it.

In addition, to catching up with Vishnu, I also had a "Before Sunset" moment. Through LinkedIn, I met up with long lost friend that I met at a FBLA conference in 1996. We hadn't seen each other since 1996 and I hadn't really talked to each for almost 10 years. One thing she did mention that I seemed less sarcastic. While it may sound ridiculous to readers of this blog, a few people have mentioned that I have mellowed over the years. Or in their own terms, I have gotten less "sarcastic/bitter/angry/asshole-ish" than I was before. And there is probably good reason for it. For many years, there was always some drama or stress in my life that I had to deal with. Be it my troubles with family, trying to go college while paying for it with 3 part-time jobs, graduating into the dot.com bust and working at my crappy contracting job, being in grad school with loads of debt etc, not being able to get a single date. But now, I no longer have that same drama/stress in my life anymore. While it is great (especially for my blood pressure), it does leave me stumped on what to do next at times. All during those previous years, I a lot of resentment grew from the things that I perceived I couldn't do because of my circumstances. Things like I couldn't do because I couldn't afford it, I can't be that way because my family situation was so fucked up, etc. After a while, you stop thinking about possibilities because it just pisses you off that you won't be able to do them. But once the drama/stress/circumstances that prevented me from doing things goes away, I am left with what I am going to do now that I can. It is a nice problem to have but yeah, it is still a problem.

For example, I have had a bunch of trouble identifying a place to a vacation to. Mainly because I stopped thinking about where I really wanted to go for a long time since I couldn't afford to travel on my own. But thanks to work, I have gotten to travel to some great places (London, Tokyo, Berlin, New York, and others). But now what? I have been asking that question a lot lately. I have mentioned this to many of my friends lately. At some point in time, new stuff just stops happening to you. And more and more of life becomes routine. Maybe that is why we love reality television so much. Our lives have become so routine and well-adjusted that is fun to see other people who are train wrecks so we have something to talk about. But why does life become routine. Obviously changes like marriage, children, buying a home affect that. But there is something else. I have noticed as that I am getting older, there is less drama in my life. I am able to handle things better because well experience is a good teacher. I like all my friends and have learned the type of people I enjoy spending time with versus those I don't. And most of all, I have grown comfortable with who I am. For example, I know that I will never be the popular guy hanging out in the club because it is just not my personality and its something I don't really want to be. As much as movies, TV shows, and self-help books that have tried to fool us, we can't transform ourselves overnight. If any change does come, it comes in fits and starts with many false starts and gradually over much time. I think for the first time in my life, I have come to accept that. Because during all those drama/stress years I was wishing things (including myself) would change for the better overnight. But 5 years later, things did change for the better. They just did one small step at a time.

So where does it all leave me? Well, it has left me with the sometimes depressing realization that any goal worth attaining comes with a journey that it is in no way linear. My life from this point is going to be filled with false starts, abandoned trails, half-steps, and miscues that hopefully, with lots of hard work and perseverance, will take me where I want to go. So I don't know what I am going to do next but I have some ideas. I want a buy my own place next year. I would like to get married some day. Some I am just going to live life, do the best I can, and see how things end up. More than likely, they won't be as neat or as quick as I want. But I guess that is what makes life interesting and also makes good fodder for future blog entries. So until next time. Happy Thanksgiving and peace.