Return to Innocence

by Enigma from The Cross of Changes

Hello again. Just taking to this opportunity to point out an important milestone for me....I has been over 10 years since I started blogging! Crazy isn't it. I wrote my very first blog entry August 7, 2000. To see how it all started off, you have to go to my Diaryland hosted blog. I wrote that back when I was 21 years old. Looking back my blog, one thing becomes crystal clear. 10 years is a fucking long time. In that time period, I moved out on my own, graduated from both undergrad and masters, had too many jobs that I don't care to remember, gained about 40 lbs, won, lost, and had all sorts of people come, go, and stay in my life. All the while I have managed to type about 300 blog entries about my thoughts, experiences, dreams, aspirations, and mostly my gripes about life.

I just finished reading Medium Raw by Anthony Bourdain. I enjoyed it immensely. He writes about how when he wrote his first and most famous book, Kitchen Confidential, he was writing from a lot of anger. I have to admit that much of my blogging, especially when I first started, was written out of anger also. I had a great deal of residual anger lingering over from high school. I was still resentful that many of my high school classmates, who I thought were shallow, mean, conceited, and most of all lying phonies were at their big name universities probably having their time of their lives while me, the crusader for righteousness and hard work was not. Also lot of my anger grew out of what was happening in my life.

In order to understand that, maybe I should tell you how my life was back 10 years ago, when I was 21. 2000 was a very difficult year for me. Right around when I wrote that 1st blog entry, I spent the first part of it living in a rapidly deteriorating family situation, my 1st girlfriend dumped me, and I was about to enter Santa Clara University, a pricey private university that I had no clue about how I would end up paying for. Later on, I moved out to a rented room in a house in Santa Clara with the worst passive aggressive Filipino landlady imaginable. My usual routine would be to wake up, get ready, walk 15 minutes to the bus stop. Hop the bus to SCU. Go to class from 9 until around 1 or 2. Maybe eat lunch. Then hop another bus go to my part-time job at Navin.com, which was struggling to stay afloat, work for 3 to 4 hours. Depending on which day it was, I would then take another bus back to SCU, where I would work/study another 3 hours at the law library until 10:30 at night or take the bus back to my room, eat something resembling dinner (usually pasta or 99 cent jumbo jacks), and then spend the rest of the night studying at the Stevens Creek Barnes and Nobles. I think I heard the same Sarah Brightman CD played at least a dozen times when I was there. I would work 6 hours on the weekends, and then spend most of the day studying at the library before heading back. I have been trying to remember what exactly I did for fun back then and I am drawing a blank. Other than maybe going to see a movie or shoot pool if Vishnu, CWP$, Phill or Nick was back in town, I can't really remember anything that I did for fun. By the way, I didn't have the car so I took the bus everywhere or had to walk. Oh yeah did i mention I was supporting myself on around $1000 a month,, which rent ate up 60% of my monthly income all while overloading on 5 classes.

When you're working that much and barely making ends meet, anger comes easily. For example, it didn't help that I was at SCU, which had more than its fair share of not-so smart rich kids who were going to college to "have fun" and living off their parents. I was very resentful of them. I was super dedicated to studying and learning, mainly because I was paying for it out of my own pocket. While many of them were coasting along, not learning shit and not caring since their parents were providing everything for them. I suppose, in retrospect, it's not their fault that they came from a family that could provide for them. But when you're stuck at the beginning of every quarter going to the financial aid office trying to get some more aid to attend class, the contrast really eats away at you. Much of my earlier blogging revolved around finding a job/internship. Yes I was concerned about my career but mostly I needed a job/internship to fucking pay the bills and eat. Again, I got angry everytime I didn't get that job or someone who I thought was a spoiled SCU brat got the internship instead. Didn't employers know how much more I needed that job than who they hired? Didn't they know I would be a super dedicated and motivated new hire since I needed the job to basically live?!? That came out a lot in my blogging back then.

So if someone were to ask me if I missed being 21, then I would obviously say no I don't. I live a much more comfortable, balanced, and enjoyable life. I don't have to worry about eating or making my rent. I have more than enough disposable income to say buy an original Bruticus Transformer in Tokyo or have the Omakase at Morimoto in NYC. And yes I do have problems but many of those come with moving up in the world. Work problems are more complex and yeah, I never realized how complicated taxes were until I actually made enough that using the 1040EZ was no longer an option. So yeah, the stress is way way less than it was 10 years ago and as a result, I feel that I am a far less angry person - although I make no claims to be anger-free. But that as much as self help books and gurus would like you to believe otherwise, some anger never leaves you. Instead of getting emotional about it, it sometimes manifests itself in different ways. In retrospect, one thing I really wanted to do when I was 21, was do a study-aboard somewhere. My ideal location would have been London. To be in a new, bustling and active foreign city at that time with others who were my age would have been a once in a lifetime opportunity. But as you probably guessed, there would have been no way I could have afforded to go. And yeah it ate at me that others go to. For example, one of my friends go to spend the summer going to class in Venice - all paid for by his parents. It was no doubt an awesome experience for him but inside I was resentful. I was mad because isn't life suppose to reward those who work hard and make sacrifices. How come I had to work so much harder than him to even put a roof over my head, let alone get the chance to go to Italy for a summer for free. But you know that time has passed. But I recently noticed something. I was in NYC last week. On Monday after my taxi ride from the airport, I spent two hours in my hotel room pretty much answering email and working. It was late, I was tired and I wanted to get dinner. So I spent a good amount of time debating with myself on if I should go out or order room service. I ordered room service but I felt a little guilty about it. I was in the arguably the restaurant/food capital of the country, if not the world, and I was ordering room service. Then I realized that in almost every cool city that I have gotten to go to as part of my work (London, New York, Tokyo, Boston, etc), I always feel like I should be seeing and experiencing more of the city than I get to. Maybe it is the residual anger of not being able to go aboard all those years ago manifesting itself as guilt.

Even though I don't miss being 21, I wouldn't change what I went through. That year and the years after it, in retrospect, did contribute to setting up where I am today. For example, applying and getting rejected for all those jobs back then did help me later in graduate school when I was again applying for part-time, summer internships and full- time jobs. I already knew the tricks of the trade so my resumes were better, interviews were stronger, and yeah, I ended up getting the offer I wanted. Most of all I look back in with some amount of pride, that I was able to do what I did. Because I don't think I could do the same thing today. Even though I was working very hard, I was very fortunate in some ways - I had generous financial aid, worked at jobs that were flexible with my schedule, and took advantage of opportunities that came way (such as going to company presentations and loading up on their catering to avoid having to spend money for lunch/dinner). I don't think someone else could do what I did today simply because the circumstances aren't the same. I remember thinking back to workouts I did when I was training year round in swimming in high school. I remember workouts where we did a 40 X 100 yard sets on 1:20 or 1:30 paces or the time I did 1000 yard breaststroke. There's no way I could that now but I somehow was able to do it and no small amount of people could ever do that. I have the same feeling about my situation 10 years ago. I am proud that I made it through all that, and to top if all off, I still ended up graduating with honors from SCU (although they did have to round my GPA up).

While I don't miss what my life 10 years ago, I have to say I do miss some things from that time. Mainly things I won't be able to do again. I remember Phill, Vishnu, CWP$, Nick, Carl, me and the rest of PCC would get together on a warm summer night like this, have a BBQ, and then play ultimate frisbee at the Sunken Gardens in Cupertino or Serra Park in Sunnyvale. We would just hang out, shoot the shit, watch movies, and just have fun. Well now, Vishnu is on the east coast, Phill is married in Sacramento, Nick and CWP$ are going to be fathers soon. Yeah, I won't get to experience those care-free summer nights again. And yeah I miss that.

That's enough from me for tonight. Thanks for tuning into this belated 10 year blogging anniversary. I don't know if I will make it to 20 years but its good to know that I lasted 10. Until next time, peace.