Never Enough

by the Cure from Galore


It is yet another California summer entry from me. Right now I am sitting on the second floor of Books Inc in downtown Mountain View, drinking a lemonade and typing this using Google Wifi (yes, remember that - its still around). Just a fair warning to people. This is one of my entries that will be long and will involve me ranting about stuff. Like I said, be warned and you might want to grab a drink while you still can or go to somewhere else if you want something more cheerful.

First things first, I decided to renew my lease for yet another year. So I will be staying in the View for yet another year. I looked around at places in Palo Alto and Menlo Park and didn't see anything that was worth moving to and paying the extra rent. I had no shortage of people saying I should move to the city. But like I said, I'm not the type that will be 2000+ for a 500 sq ft one bedroom/studio with no dishwasher, parking, laundry, AC just to be in one of the "cool" areas of the city inhabited by many other Google people. Plus with the gas prices where they are, maybe it is smarter financially to be closer to save gas, time, and be able to ride to work easily. FYI, it cost 70+ bucks to fill up my tank the other day. Plus I am just lazy and don't want to pack up all my crap. This is still not the longest I have stayed in one place. I stayed in Campbell for 3 years 4 months before I left for Michigan. My rent went up again but it is still pretty decent given that rents are up everywhere now. My apartment is not perfect but it is a decent place to relax.

One thing that I would change about my apartment is the thievery. I don't just mean how my car got broken into earlier this year. Last year somebody stole my laundry basket out of the laundry room that only residents have a key to. Big deal, the basket cost me 5 bucks but still it was annoying. So now I always take my laundry baskets back with me from the laundry room even if I will be gone for 5 minutes. Yesterday, I noticed some leaves that were building up on my patio. So I decided to sweep them off with a broom I kept on my patio when I do actually sweep my patio, which is not often. So I go out to the patio and guess what, somebody stole my broom. Yes, a broom. How frickin' petty is that. It was the cheapest broom they had at Target. I must live in a complex full of really petty thieves who apparently like stealing laundry baskets and brooms. What's next? My toilet bowl brush? So now I need to buy a new broom and bring it inside every time I sweep my patio to prevent broom thieves from taking it. This is makes me wonder if people were less greedy or more considerate in the past where people could leave their doors unlocked. Or perhaps they were smart enough that stealing a laundry basket or broom was not worth it.

So what else is going on? Work has been alright other than some stupid legal BS I know have to put up with in order to do research. I now realize what many PhDs felt when dealing with IRB committees because this new rule we have to follow is so utterly utterly retarded based on some idiotic law that probably is not even helping the problem is was meant to address. I am also still doing my more "active" lifestyle and I am getting some results. I am down about 4-5 pounds from when I started and about 10 lbs under my all time high from December. As I mentioned before it is a combination of exercise (bootcamp, biking to/from work, weight training, and swimming) plus I slightly modified diet (much more fruit/vegtables, fewer processed carbs). Yeah plus still no fast food or soda. Yeah, I never realized how sweet soda was until I tried it after not drinking it for almost a month.

Oh yeah, it is worth mentioning that I went out on two "dates" this past week or so. It was somebody I met off the Internet(s). First date actually went really well. We had a lot in common (love of bay area sport teams, generally skeptical towards religion, and both worked at one of the Big-4 accounting firms). The second date didn't go nearly as well (it wasn't helped that was suffering from allergies). So yeah, prospects for a third date don't look hopeful. I guess one could be optimistic and say that I made it to the second date, which is twice as many dates than the person I went out with a few months back. Yeah, that is not such a stirring achievement (much like the time I got a third place ribbon in swimming for placing third in a race that only had three swimmers). So yeah let's cut to the chase:

I suck at dating/relationships

Yeah, this should not be surprising to me but it is still depressing. It's hard sucking at stuff, especially something as important as this. Yeah, I am like the Barry Zito of dating. I suck at it, I know I suck at it, but I attempt to do it anyway in hopes of not giving up 8 runs by the 4th inning. I have attempted to understand why but haven't come up with any solid reasons why. Here are few things I have considered

1. I maybe go after the wrong type.

I have thought about this at length. I remember back in 2002 when I was graduating from undergrad (in the dot-com bust), I literally applied to over 100 jobs and I got interviews for like 4, and then finally landed the contract job at Cisco after graduation. Looking back, yeah I probably applied to jobs I had no chance of getting, not qualified for and probably wouldn't even like if I did get them. However in 2006, I sent out like 12 really targeted resumes for positions I knew I wanted and was qualified for. I got 5 interviews and a few offers from it. So if I take this strategy, perhaps I am just going after the wrong type of person and should focus on whatever my right type is. For example, the last few women I have gone out with share a few common traits - all Asian, professionals and/or grad students (in particular four of them were law students). They all seemed like nice interesting people to me. Perhaps they are all wrong for me though. Something to think about.

2. People don't date resumes

Yeah, this is something that has taken me longer to understand. I just naturally assumed that if you have a decent job, personality, keep up your appearance, and treat people right - well somebody out there must take a liking to you. Apparently, that is not the case. I have mentioned before - I apparently have all the characteristics (I make a decent amount of money, I'm taller than average, I don't dress like a slob, yeah I put my foot in my mouth more times than I should but I have a group of friends that tolerate me) but not in the package that people want. So on paper, yeah not to toot my own horn, I look somewhat decent. I guess in the flesh that doesn't translate well.

Yeah, Ida keeps telling me I should be swimming in dates because I work at Google. For anyone that doesn't know, that doesn't mean as much as it used to (if it meant anything all). While Google has done a better than average job recruiting female employees, it is still significantly more men than women. Plus dating people at work can lead to messy situations. Also for the record, I know more than a few Google people who have dated complete losers and/or assholes.

3. I don't meet that many new people anymore

Most of the people I know are like me, out of school and working steady jobs. Which means I spend most of my time working and then hanging out with a steady circle of friends. So quite naturally, a network effect takes place and since I am meeting less new people and all my friends are not meeting as many new people, hence the pool of potential new people to meet and go out with shrinks. One could argue that I should get more and meet new people, which is a fair criticism. Much of the stuff I end up doing (working out, flea/farmer's markets, etc) is either solo or with the same set of people I do know. Not to make excuses (okay maybe to make one here), it is tough to find time to go out and do more social activities while packing in time to handle rest of stuff (exercising, shopping, cleaning/choreish stuff, bills, finances, plus just veg time) in the hours not spent at work.

4. I am just clueless

Which I guess is a pretty good reason why I am in my predicament. My parents decided to get divorced when I was 7 so I don't have the best experience of what a healthy committed relationship should be. Plus being unpopular pretty much all through well pretty much now if there is such a scale of popularity that runs into adulthood doesn't help either. Yeah there is plenty of stuff I should probably do better or hell even do at all. I pretty much let people do their own thing (sometimes to my detriment) so I don't want to intrude or interject myself if I am not wanted. If a person wants to talk to me or get my attention, I assume they just will. Apparently that is not the case. Apparently, women want to be chased or at least feel that someone is desiring them. I guess that is not me. My philosophy is that I will be of course friendly and if anything develops beyond that, well even better. More outgoing and assertive.

Also several people have pointed out that I should tone down more of the prickly aspects of my personality. For example, I don't like children as many people know. Just a few minutes ago, some kid was screaming their guts out in Books, Inc and all I wanted to do was for the frickin Mom to push the kid's stroller outside to give the rest of us piece and quiet. I was watching fireworks on the 4th of July in somewhat seclusion in a parking lot when a huge family interrupts my peace and these kids decide to give a running commentary of the fireworks of "Do they put paint in the fireworks to make the colors" and "How do they make the smiley face?" Yeah, my feeling was not "how cute!", my inclination was to say "Shut the f$%k up! What should I pretend that I can tolerate children? Yeah, I am also fairly anti-things and other things that many people are typically "pro" towards such as religion, marriage, Disney movies and urrr musicals.

So what I am going to do about all of this? Well, at this point pretty much nothing. At least I cannot think of something better to do. So I will attempt to go on more dates, finish reading Emotion Intelligence since it is a fairly interesting book and maybe it will give me some insight I am missing now, and errr I don't know, be more outgoing in some way or another. But I am planning a noticable lifestyle change? Probably not. I am planning on going to more concerts this summer (regardless of what CWP$ thinks of the band after watching over 90 secs of them), still go to the farmer/flea markets, and exercising. Oh yeah I should try to fit in another volunteering activity to work towards to another one of my resolutions.

I think I have ranted and rambled enough already. Until next time, peace.

PS: That whole "You should stop looking because that's when you may meet the right person without even being on the look-out" has not panned out for me. I don't meet the right people even when I am looking or not looking. Solution: squint instead.